12.20am
Numb. That was the feeling I felt as my eyes darted around the foyer and then up the stairs. Winny and Mega were sitting on the floor crying, and in my hand was a business card with a phone number written on it. “Saint Joseph Medical Center.” Yusnan was brought there. “Critical condition. Sorry, but that’s all I know,” the nice young policeman told me..
I nervously dialed the number and asked to speak with a doctor. “It’s OK. He was just in an accident. People recover from critical condition all the time,” I kept reassuring myself as I waited for the doctor at the other end of the line. He introduced himself. The few seconds felt like eternity, yet never did ‘death’ cross my mind. “How is his condition, doctor?” that’s the first thing I said. “I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I have bad news.”
It felt like a lightning just hit. “NO.NO.NO” was all I could say as the doctor explained that Yusnan was already not breathing when they found him at the scene. “NO God. Not us. Not now. This is not supposed to happen.” Mega cried louder. I walked upstairs, sat next to them, and we cried.
1:30am
The quietness was deafening. John, my awesome neighbor and friend, was at the wheel. Mega sat alone at the back seat. Winny stayed home to be with Jackson. I felt my left arm slowly feeling numb, like I slept on it wrong or something. We were on our way to the hospital. John had began to explain what’s going to happen once we got there. He said there will probably be a policeman waiting for us there to explain what happened. The hospital was in a nice area in Towson. I kept wondering how far do we have yet, but I dread arriving there.
We finally arrived and it played out just like John had explained it would. They took us to a room where we met 2 policemen. They didn’t see the accident but they were the first at the scene. “Driver side accident.” the officer said. Probably took a turn too fast, fishtailed out of control, and overcompensate the other way. Crossed the other lane.
They took me & John to a room where Mega waited outside. There he was. His whole body was covered up. Never noticed he was that big before. The officer pulled a chair next to the bed. “Take as much time as you need,” he said as he walked out of the room. This can’t be real. I slowly revealed his face, and I broke down.
I cried like I never have. John cried. He prayed softly, asking for grace to be poured out for me. My brother is gone. It’s not supposed to happen like this. I tightly held his cold hand as I cried “WHY WHY WHY.”
We took Mega into the room. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked. She nodded purposely. She saw him for the first time. She held his hands. Touched his hair and kissed his forehead. She smiled and said, “He still smells like Yusnan.” We cried.
Saturday, 11 am
We’re inside Yusnan’s apartment trying to find his car title, passport, and other documents and bring home some stuff that we can. Timo had driven us there, and my youngest brother Dimas is with me too after arriving from Pensacola the night before. I opened Yusnan’s room door and immediately felt this huge wave of sadness washing over me. Everything was still there. Everything was where it’s supposed to be. Someone lives here. I can even smell him. This feels so wrong. Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I began to collect his belongings. At his bedside table I found a Bible marker laying there.. and it says, “Life is fragile, handle with prayer. Live each day with kindness and care.” And I lost it.
We drove to the towing company where his car was impounded at. “Did he survive the accident?” the gentleman behind the counter asked. He was at the scene apparently. “No, he passed away that night,” I answered. He shook his head slowly. “Damn, I’m so sorry dude.”
We were directed to the back of the building to the lot where they keep the cars. There it was, what used to be his prized civic. He loved that car so much. He took care of it. “Can we get in to get the stuff in there?” I asked the man. “You may try, but it’s going to be hard.” I could see why. It looked like someone nearly bent the card in half. All the windows were shattered. As I was taking stuff out of the glove compartment I saw Yusnan’s pair of glasses laying on the car floor. The left side glass broke. I nearly lost it again. My eyes darted on the floor and I saw a car speaker with shattered glasses on it laying on the floor.. it was my last Christmas gift to him. I picked that up too.
We managed to get most of the stuff out of the car, and Dimas was determined to find his cell phone which was amazingly still on, but nowhere in sight. He finally got it from underneath the crushed center console. 12 miss calls.
Tuesday, 4/13, JFK airport
“It’s over. It’s over.” I breathed a sigh. Relief. Barb, one of the sweetest lady I know, nodded and smiled. “You did well.” “Was it enough? Nothing is ever.” I whispered. We had just took Mega & Dimas to the airport for the trip home. I so wish I could be in that plane with them too. Yusnan’s body is in another building, waiting to be boarded another plane (I was having problems trying to get him on the same plane as Dimas & Mega) I suddenly felt so, so tired. But my job’s almost over. One last thing I have to do for Yusnan – his memorial service.
Monday, 4/26
Yesterday was Yusnan’s memorial service. I think it went pretty well. Now my job is truly over. Now the hard part. The quiet. The grieving. “Be strong,” people said. That’s got to be the advice I hate the most. I’m tired of trying to be strong. I’m not supposed to be strong. Losing a brother and a friend hurts. It hurts a lot. As I drove back from work the song I used for one of Yusnan’s video was played.. and I sobbed, again.
That night I was sitting in my room. The lights were off. My wife’s asleep, Jackson’s asleep. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I went downstairs to my basement where all of Yusnan’s stuff from his apartment were. The room even still smells like him. I picked up a pair of shoes he was wearing the night of the accident and sobbed. “Lord I believe. Help me my unbelief.”
Today
One month. That’s how long you’ve been gone. Last Sunday I played basketball and remembered us playing together. When we couldn’t score I used to just dumped the ball to the post where you were so much taller than everyone else.. and you weren’t there this time. Some days I would look at your pictures and still couldn’t believe I’ll never see those smile again on this side of eternity. Sometimes I still feel like I’ve failed mom & dad for not preventing this from happening, but I’m sure they know there’s nothing I could do. Sometimes it felt like you are just going away for a really long time. Well I guess that’s really what this is. I still miss you, brother. Mom & Dad still miss you. Mega still misses you. Dimas still misses you. Winny & Jackson still miss you. We still miss you.
Thank you for posting this, Farid !! I burst into tears as I read line by line feeling sad n sorry for you all… you and your family are in my prayers….
Thank you for sharing…..
I’ll remember you all in my prayer….
Thanks for sharing your story with all of us, Farid. As I listened to you retell the events of the past month, I again stand amazed at the wonderful choice you have made to continue to praise God and publicly declare His continued goodness. It truly touches my heart and worship has become more meaningful as I hear you make that proclamation. Sometimes it becomes just words to me but you… truly understand. It’s going to be hard for a long time. I continue to lift you and your family before the throne. I love you all.
Rid, I was listening to this Chris Rice’s song in my car, when I suddenly remember your saying “Save me a seat at the breakfast table”. I was finally understand what this song is all about.. Is a beautiful song, isn’t it? I’m sure Yusnan is humming this song with you…waiting the time to see you again in heaven..
Was it a million miles to heaven
Too far to hear my lonely song
Or is it just my imagination I hear you humming along
I only hold you in my dreams now
I wake up with cold and empty arms
Lord help me get through this long night without you
And soon as the morning comes
Soon as the morning comes
Save me a seat at the breakfast table
Save me a dance around the Milky Way
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears
All I’ve wanted to say
Save me a smile and an angel’s feather
Save me a walk down the streets of gold
And baby, we’ll change our minds just like old times
And maybe we’ll just fly away
Or maybe we’ll stay
My lucky doll, you’re in heaven before me
You were my taste of heaven here
Remember we loved to talk about it, we couldn’t wait to get there
So you go on and find your way around now
But remember I’m here missing you
Do me a favor and say hey to Jesus
And tell him I’m missing him too
Tell him I’m missing him too
Then save me a seat at the breakfast table
Save me a dance around the Milky Way
And save me a thousand years to whisper in your ears
All I’ve wanted to say
Save me a smile and an angel’s feather
Save me a walk down the streets of gold
And baby, we’ll change our minds just like old times
And maybe we’ll just fly away
Or maybe we’ll stay
THANK YOU FOR SHARING SUCH A HEART FELT STORY WITH THE ONES WHO LOVED
THOSE GONE FROM US. YOU DO NOT KNOW ME…. I AM MRS. A…. MEGA
WORKED IN ACCOUNTING WITH ME FOR A LONG TIME. IT SADDEN ME DEEPLY
WHEN SHE LEFT BUT I UNDERSTOOD WHY AND WISHED HER WELL. AND PRAYED FOR HER DAILY. BEFORE SHE LEFT ACCOUNTING SHE BROUGHT YUSNAN TO MEET
US. HE WAS THE KINDEST YOUNG MAN I HAVE EVER MET. SUCH A WONDERFUL SMILE AND YOU COULD TELL HE REALLY LOVED MEGA. THEY WERE JUST SO
PERFECT TOGETHER. I KNOW THERE ARE THINGS IN THE LIFE OF OURS THAT
WE WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND. BUT I DO KNOW THAT GOD GIVES US WISDOM TO
CONTINUE WITH OUR LIVES EVEN WHEN TRAGEDY COMES OUR WAY. THAT COMES
WITH A GREAT CHRISTIAN TESTIMONY AND AN EVER GREATER CHRISTIAN FAITH.
MEGA HAS THAT. SHE AND EACH ONE OF YUSNAN’S FAMILY MEMBERS CAN RELY
ON GOD TO SEE YOU THROUGH THIS UNTIMELY TRAGEDY AND IN TIME, YOU WILL SEE YUSNAN AGAIN. WE KNOW NOT WHEN…..BUT WE BELIEVE IN OUR HEARTS
THAT THE DAY IS COMING THAT OUR JESUS CHRIST WILL COME TO THIS EARTH AGAIN AND TAKE ALL THE CHRISTIANS HOME TO BE WITH HIM AND OUR LOVED ONES GONE BEFORE US. I KNOW I WILL SEE MY MOTHER THERE IN THAT GRAND PLACE AS WELL AS MY DAD….. YOU WILL ALWAYS MISS THEM AND THINK OF THEM EVERYDAY….AND YOU CAN LOOK FORWARD TO THAT DAY WE WILL SEE THEM AGAIN. I BELIEVE THAT WITH ALL MY HEART….BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN GOD AND I BELIEVE IN JESUS CHRIST…………
SO AS THE WEEKS CONTINUE, THE MONTHS CONTINUE AND, YES,EVEN THE YEARS,
CONTINUE, WE CAN LOOK TO JESUS FOR GUIDANCE, PATIENCE AND ENDURANCE.
HE IS THE ONE WE CAN RELY EVERY DAY.
REMEMBER THAT EACH ONE OF YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS AS YOU CONTINUE THIS
JOURNEY ON.
MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU ALL CLOSE TO HIM NOW AND ALWAYS,
YOUR SISTER IN CHRIST,
LINDA
don’t know if you’ll actually get this or not,
please know that we are upholding you in prayer-
nothing can come close to filling the void, and the loss
is unspeakable. Heart wrenching and tragic, and it’s through
floods of tears, that we cry out to God and ask and question and
struggle to hold on. Somewhere in the midst of that turmoil,
there is a quiet calm; you will experience it, and you will know then
that it is that still small voice that has never left you, was always there, waiting for the grief and thunderous noise of sorrow to subside; it is there. And it will become stronger until one day, the still small voice comes before the sorrow, and you realize that
it has turned mourning into joy first. I pray for that time to come quickly for you, Winny and Mega,Demas and your parents.
Don’t be hard on yourself when you question God, when you don’t understand the reasons and when you feel your faith distant. It won’t stay there, it is too much a part of you. Your faith and trust may feel far away, or at least different for you. Because it doesn’t come with as much ease as it did before. But this will drive your faith deeper into your soul, you will emerge with a new depth of understanding of just how loving and graceous our God really is.
Praying for grace and healing to flow over you day and night.
your friend, Carol
What a beautiful tribute to Yusnan. How wonderful of you to share this story. When you mentioned you hated hearing “Be strong” I could relate. When my mom passed away at 91 years old, everyone said, “Well, she lived a good, long life.” I wanted to scream, “NOT LONG ENOUGH FOR ME!!!!” I hated it, too. But what do you say to soemone when a part of their heart has been ripped out? Words aren’t enough. God bless all of you.
Thank you for sharing the details of what happened and what you are going through… we continue lifting you and your family in prayer…
Thank you for your sharing, I keep thinking of your family a lot. I am learning how to live with the thankful heart, and I also learn “Life is fragile, handle with prayer. Live each day with kindness and care.” Thanks again.
i couldn’t hold my tears when i read it. Thanks for sharing and of course we will always keep you and your family in our prayers…:)
Dear Farid.
Thank you very much for sharing some extra details.
Lisa (my wife of 42 years) and I could only bowed our heads
as we read your graffic accounts. WE can understand when you
whispered, “I believe, hlep my unbelief”.
I cannot say any more than remember that “If no one else will
walk with you through the valley, God will… If no one else
can express the right words, God will…”
Farid, we have invited your Dad and Mom to feel free to come
and spend a few days with us at our home in Kudus.
Let’s unite our hearts before God’s throne of never unending grace
so that His mercy will be showered to each and everyone of you, especially Mega, your Mom and Dad.
Thanks again for your sharing.
Grace, peace and love: Lisa and Charles Christano
Thanks for blessing us, Farid..
thanks for sharing this wonderful story bout Yusnan.
i’m one of Yusnan’s senior highschool classmate.never imagined it would end like this, but one thing im sure..he’s been such a bless for me..for others…
we love u, Yusnan.
ur love still remains here, with us..
GBU un heaven!
Farid, I had no idea this happened.
It will never be easy to reflect on that day but I pray that God reminds you of all the good and worthy memories of your time with your brother.
John 16:33